Am I worthy?

I've been reading "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's wife. It was a gift from a friend at church. It's so wonderful to read about someone else's struggles. I am often reminded of what a friend once said.

"Your story is not for you."

Or something like that. I have never thought I had much of a story but when I read stories like Mary Beth's or Sheila Walsh's, I am encouraged. Life is not always what we want or expect or dreamed it would be. We all have our struggles. No matter who you think has the perfect life, you don't know what hidden stories they are struggling with.

I have known friends who seem to have the perfect life, but they have the same insecurities as so many others. What it really comes down to is, am I worthy? Am I worthy of love? Am I worthy of kindness? And not just from the people around us, but I believe that everyone wants to know that God loves them.

One of the discussions that we keep having is about grace versus works. I think that's why I am appreciating this book by Mary Beth Chapman so much. She asks that. Where is the line between grace and works? How much do we have to do for God to love us? How much does grace cover? The Bible says that grace covers a multitude of sins, and I believe that. But do I really? There are days when I wonder if I've done enough. A lot of days. Maybe if I really believed that, I wouldn't be so afraid of dying. If I really believe that His Grace is sufficient for me, then I shouldn't be afraid of standing before the throne and hearing what He will say. I'm not always afraid. I guess I'm not really afraid. It's more the knowing that when it's done, it's done. There are no second chances. It is appointed for man to die once and after that the judgment.

These are the thoughts that I have before and after surgeries. I'm really not that afraid. It's just stuff I think about. Honestly, when you give yourself to the doctors and nurses and technicians, you don't have time to really think about it anymore. You say a prayer and go to sleep. Only God knows when and where you will wake up. This last time got a little sticky. I guess I gave everyone in the operating room a good scare but it was not time for me yet.

Getting back to that question: Am I worthy?

My understanding from the Bible is that there is no one worthy. Our salvation is based on the work of Jesus. No one else's. Not mine for sure. What does Paul say? Something about it not being of ourselves, lest any man should boast? For that, I am extremely grateful. I have made my share of mistakes. I will make more. I am grateful for Jesus' love and sacrifice. I am grateful for His work on my behalf.