Am I worthy?

I've been reading "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's wife. It was a gift from a friend at church. It's so wonderful to read about someone else's struggles. I am often reminded of what a friend once said.

"Your story is not for you."

Or something like that. I have never thought I had much of a story but when I read stories like Mary Beth's or Sheila Walsh's, I am encouraged. Life is not always what we want or expect or dreamed it would be. We all have our struggles. No matter who you think has the perfect life, you don't know what hidden stories they are struggling with.

I have known friends who seem to have the perfect life, but they have the same insecurities as so many others. What it really comes down to is, am I worthy? Am I worthy of love? Am I worthy of kindness? And not just from the people around us, but I believe that everyone wants to know that God loves them.

One of the discussions that we keep having is about grace versus works. I think that's why I am appreciating this book by Mary Beth Chapman so much. She asks that. Where is the line between grace and works? How much do we have to do for God to love us? How much does grace cover? The Bible says that grace covers a multitude of sins, and I believe that. But do I really? There are days when I wonder if I've done enough. A lot of days. Maybe if I really believed that, I wouldn't be so afraid of dying. If I really believe that His Grace is sufficient for me, then I shouldn't be afraid of standing before the throne and hearing what He will say. I'm not always afraid. I guess I'm not really afraid. It's more the knowing that when it's done, it's done. There are no second chances. It is appointed for man to die once and after that the judgment.

These are the thoughts that I have before and after surgeries. I'm really not that afraid. It's just stuff I think about. Honestly, when you give yourself to the doctors and nurses and technicians, you don't have time to really think about it anymore. You say a prayer and go to sleep. Only God knows when and where you will wake up. This last time got a little sticky. I guess I gave everyone in the operating room a good scare but it was not time for me yet.

Getting back to that question: Am I worthy?

My understanding from the Bible is that there is no one worthy. Our salvation is based on the work of Jesus. No one else's. Not mine for sure. What does Paul say? Something about it not being of ourselves, lest any man should boast? For that, I am extremely grateful. I have made my share of mistakes. I will make more. I am grateful for Jesus' love and sacrifice. I am grateful for His work on my behalf.

Fill My Quiver, Lord

Psalm 127:3-5  Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.


Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-children-25-inspirational-scripture-quotes/#ixzz2bLZt79aI
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I was remembering tonight that when I was shopping for a house in Phoenix, before I met my husband, I was always looking for a proper yard for my dog. My dog that, my friend Tiffany loved to point out, didn't exist yet. I didn't have dogs but every yard I would say either "This would be great for my dog" or "This wouldn't work for my dog." She asked me, "Where is this dog you keep talking about?" I told her I was speaking those things that weren't as though they were. I said that I will have dogs and I want my house to be ready for them. I didn't have a dog then but I have dogs now!

I keep reading blogs written by moms about their experiences. I was thinking I should write a blog from my point of view - a Childless Mother - but that's not right. I have children. I don't have children born of my body but every child I have held in my arms is mine in some way. Someday I will have a child or two or three who may even call me Mom.

One of the little girls at camp asked me if I had children. I told her no but we were in the process of becoming foster parents and that we'd like to adopt someday. She asked me how many kids I wanted. I told her "six but that was a bit much for my husband. I always thought I would have four kids but I would be happy with two." She then asked if I would want just one child. I said yes, I would be thrilled to have even just one child. She then asked, What if you don't get any kids? I said, stretching out my hands, "Then you are all my kids!"

When I was trying to come up with a name for my blog, everything I tried was taken. I was thinking I would like to write letters to "my kids" and tell them how much they are loved. I want them to know that they are special and created by God for a purpose. I don't have parenting advice but I do have the love of my God that I can share. I was thinking about my camp kids. If I could speak to them everyday, what would I tell them?

I started looking at Bible verses for inspiration. The verse above caught my attention. I've read it before, many times. It's one of those verses that strikes the heart of the barren woman. We will never have a quiver full. Then I remembered something . . .

One of the things we do at camp is share with the children what their names mean. We use a book called The Name Book by Dorothy Astoria. It has Biblical meanings and Bible verses.

I love my name but I've never been crazy about its meaning - Archer. Blegh. Not very exciting.Where was "Gift of God" and "Warrior" and "Blessed?"

But, guess what? An Archer has a QUIVER!! A quiver full of arrows!!! Every time I say my name now, I will see my quiver full of arrows. "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth."  Okay, youth may be stretching it a bit but I'm younger than Abraham's Sarah. ;)

By the way, we are looking at houses here. We discuss how each house will work with our kids. :)